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K used your incapacity to insinuate himself into your life while getting everyone to think he was a sainted presence beside your bed.

France’s most notorious dominatrix rarely comes to the U. In both locales she spends some of her time choreographing elaborate S&M rituals—which do include things like whipping, if you’re only concerned with the prurient stuff—for the many men and women who submit themselves to her. They are pretty clearly suffering some kind of physical anguish, but also seem, somehow, to be having a sort of ecstatic experience.

When you’re guarding your marriage, you’re not guarding just your spouse, but guarding yourself too.

Dear Prudence, For several years I had a debilitating illness that nearly killed me and clouded my thinking. Throughout all of it, there was a wonderful man, K, by my side who did everything to be there for me. It was like waking up with someone after you've been really, really drunk.

If I commented that I wished I had some cookies for the kids’ lunches, he’d say, “I’ll be happy to go to the store for you.” I found out later that he’d call his mistress on his cell phone while he was walking or running errands. He gave me a goofy, silly card for my birthday instead of his usual romantic, sentimental one, and he only signed his name —not Love, Bob. I think he may have felt as if he was being unfaithful to his girlfriend by sleeping with me. He started referring to a person at work named Pierce. He started to skip desserts and be very careful about what he ate —he lost weight and started exercising. I felt a spark at the contact point and was a bit disappointed when he pulled away. But because I didn’t, I sent him a signal that I was unguarded. If I’d not responded to his flirtations, I would have avoided the biggest regret of my life.

He would tell me how funny and talented Pierce was. A few minutes later, he shifted slightly in his chair and his leg, from knee to thigh, pressed gently against mine. Coworkers sometimes work on projects or solve problems together, and the resulting closeness can build teamwork —but it can also build a feeling of intimacy.

I should be grateful to him, but I just can't stand him. Your analogy about drunkenness is apt, but K sounds like the kind of person who instead of waiting for you to get drunk on your own, would slip you a roofie.

“There are people for whom I am an absolute,” she eventually said, after some contemplation. But we did see parts of a documentary shot for Swedish television that documents some of the rituals in which Ms. Men and women, some in various states of undress, are forced to dance, are forced to eat raw egg off a mirror, are made to act like barnyard animals. “I have no need to understand where my desires come from,” she said. Others come through for more brief sessions with her. Well, no one on Wednesday had quite the nerve to ask that question directly. My affair began at work, so I’m an expert on workplace temptation. I rationalized my way into a boatload of trouble because I thought; All lies!

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